Thursday, April 27, 2006

Kim,
Your essay starts off with a strong quote that sets the tone for the overall direction of your paper. Your introduction paragraph quickly informs us of your love for music, and music’s overall control over your life. However, the last sentence shifts into you stating that at first, you did not know good music. Although this is important, I feel like having this information in your introduction paragraph takes away from your credibility, rather than adds to it. I thought, overall, that this is a very strong essay. You relay your personal experiences well, and show us that you truly are a product of the digital music revolution. You also detail the history of music file sharing, bringing us to the present year easily and effectively. However, a few things confuse me. First, for about six pages in the middle of your essay, you talk almost exclusively about the recording industry’s efforts to stop file sharing and their subsequent inability to do so in an effective manner. You then offer up several possible options as to what could be done to help solve this problem. However, you do not mention yourself at all in these six pages. The information you present is important, and I like how you are giving us possible solutions to the problem. But, you need to relate all of these events to yourself, not before and after this information, but also within it. When you talk about your possible solutions, let us know which ones you think would be viable and applicable. When you introduce Itunes, mention the fact that you were one of those people who embraced the service. Make your experience flow with the historical evidence you are presenting. Sympathize with the people who are getting sued, as you explain later that when the court cases came too close to home, you bailed on the services. Make your argument felt. After reading your essay, I knew for a fact that you were somebody who supported the file sharing boom. It helped you, as you put it, grow as a person; your tastes in music were explored, changed, and ultimately set as a very eclectic genre. However, I don’t see your argument’s strength until the very end of your paper, notably in your conclusion. Your conclusion is very strong, and begs the question of why shouldn’t music be free to us. Explain why you think music should be free to us, rather than just presenting the facts, and then stating that you personally enjoyed getting free music. Its cool that you liked free music, but you could stand to do a better job making the audience agree with your opinion. Add more personal details; how it has shifted your tastes in music, your ways of thinking, and ultimately, your life. Other than that, I see no real problems with your essay. Your transitions are strong, your topic is always known, and your paragraph structure is virtually flawless. Your credibility is immediately made clear, and the reader knows that you obviously understand the information that you are presenting. Now you just need to go back and add argumentative elements throughout the story, rather than just at the end. I need to read the story and constantly become more and more aware of your stance. Instead, I understand the history of your community, and then finally, by page 11 (second to last page of your story), I understand where your coming from. Other than that, as I said before, this is a very strong draft. Keep up the good work.

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